Birthday in Absence

This is a cake. And yes, it is shaped like a turkey. Why? An excellent question.

Allow me to explain.

Today is Dean's 29th birthday.

29 years ago this day was Thanksgiving Day. So his mother, as a tradition, has always baked him this "turkey cake" in remembrance of that year when she did not get to eat any Thanksgiving dinner because she was busy. You know, at the hospital.

So now, as his wife, the ritual of baking this cake has passed to me. Dean is still in Afghanistan, obviously, but in our 4 years of marriage the boys have come to also expect the turkey cake this time of year. So I told them that even with Dean away we would celebrate his birthday by making a "practice" cake, and then we could bake him another one when he got home. The reason for this was twofold: One-Who doesn't like to eat cake? and Two-I really did need the practice. This freakin' cake is COMPLICATED.

In case you can't tell from the picture, the frosting is applied in tiny swirly dots all over the cake in various colors. This takes the patience of a saint, which I clearly am not. When my mother in law makes this cake it is beautiful, all the dots are uniform in size and shape, and in neat little rows. But she has had 28 years of practice, so I can't really expect to compete. Plus I had to do said icing application with a crying toddler (who had spent the morning in the ER due to an ear infection that just won't quit) on my hip. So I was using the icing applicator with one hand and bouncing and rocking Hannah with the other.

Awesome.

When Mary came in and saw the state of things in the kitchen I said to her "Just imagine 20 something years ago your mom was doing this with YOU on her hip!" which made us both laugh. Then she took Hannah out to the little house for a few minutes so I could use both hands for a bit. That didn't last terribly long, so then Mary stepped in and finished the icing so we wouldn't be eating a turkey that looked half-plucked. It was a learning experience, but it turned out pretty good anyways.

Then we sang a quick Happy Birthday to Dean and had cake and ice cream in his honor.

Happy Birthday, baby. I love you.

Anticipation

Waiting is difficult.

Whether its waiting for your human to throw the gosh-darn ball already so you can chase it at lightspeed until you crash head first in to the fence or waiting for your husband to come home from a 15 month deployment, the waiting part will most likely drive you crazy. If you fall in to the first category you can jump up and down and bark and run in circles. If you fall in to the second category you probably have trouble eating and sleeping, along with spending prolonged periods of time counting and recounting the days left on the calendar. None of these activities actually help the anticipated event occur any faster, but in either case you just can't help yourself.

We have entered in to the count-down-to-home stretch at our house. I've been saying for awhile now that we were going to make a paper chain to count down, but we have yet to do it. Its not that I don't WANT to, I think I'm just still in shock that its actually TIME to do it. I had better get with the program soon though or our paper chain is going to be less of a chain and more of a small belt. Christmas for once will take a backseat as the major event of the year in my young children's lives as they eagerly await the arrival of a man not in red, but in digital print cammo. Even Hannah seems to have caught on somewhat that something big is about to happen as she will periodically exclaim "Daddy? Back? Airplane?" Jude's class had a circle time activity where each child took a turn saying "I am Thankful for...." as the teacher wrote their list on the board. What was Jude most Thankful for? His Stepdad. Eden has taken it upon himself to constantly reinforce the schedule to us all repeatedly stating "Well, don't forget, Dean MIGHT be home on THIS day or he might be home on THIS day, or maybe somewhere between the two. But either way Christmas won't come till he's here" They want to talk about it every morning before school and every night before bed.

The excitement level around here is definitely escalating. Hopefully we won't all need chemical sedation by the time the big day actually arrives.

Yes. We. Can.

FULL TEXT:
PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA: "If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

Its the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

Its the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

Its the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

Its been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and hes fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nations promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nations next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy thats coming with us to the White House. And while shes no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what youve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didnt start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generations apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didnt do this just to win an election and I know you didnt do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how theyll make the mortgage, or pay their doctors bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who wont agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government cant solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way its been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, its that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, We are not enemies, but friends...though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one thats on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. Shes a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldnt vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that shes seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we cant, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when womens voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that We Shall Overcome. Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

Little Black Boots

Today I took Hannah out shopping. Its gotten cold and the boys really needed some long-sleeved winter type stuff. Hannah needed some new shoes. She has only one pair, they are white and pink sneakers, and we bought them over the summer in NJ while visiting Grandparents. Hannah, as we all know, doesn't grow very fast. So it wasn't so much that she had out-grown the shoes she had as it was that they were all scuffed up and the velcro didn't fasten anymore due to the fact that she fastens and unfastens them approximately ten thousand times per day.

So we get the boys clothes and then head over to PayLess. The nice man there measures her teeny tiny feet and points me in the right direction to find teeny tiny shoes. I'm looking around and they have some really cute little sneakers in various shades of white and pink and purple with sparklies. Hannah is walking around my legs, seemingly not paying much attention.

And then she sees them.

"BOOTS! MOMMY! BOOOOOOTS!"

"What baby-girl?"

"BoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS!!!"

And there in fact on the shelf right at her eye level were a small pair of black, shiny, zip-up boots.

Black.Shiny. Zip-up. Boots.

"Do you want to try on the boots, Hannah?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!" And she plops to the floor on her bottom and tugs at her shoes "Shoes! off!!"

The boots go on and I have to admit they are basically the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. She stands up and prances over to the nearest full-length mirror with the biggest smile on her face.

"Boots, mama! Baby boots!"

She bends down trying to examine the boots reflection as closely as possible. She shrieks and giggles and runs up and down the isle in a boot-induced hysteria.

I let her walk around for a good while in the boots and then tried to coerce her in to trying on some sneakers as well. Its a No-Go. The boots were not coming off. The nice man in the store cut the tags off so we could pay for the boots without causing Hannah to have a complete meltdown. I bought her some sneakers anyways, he said I could bring them back if they didn't fit. Of course, right now she is napping.

With her boots on.

A Day on the Farm

This is a "Corn Pool."

I have never in my life beheld so much corn in one sitting. This large blue tub of corn was one of three such tubs, and it became the highlight of our adventure to the Pumpkin Patch. Move aside, Pumpkins, we've got Corn to play in.

It was a really beautiful fall day, a bit windy, cool but not cold. I had made everyone bring jackets but we ended up leaving them in the car. The first thing the kids did was play in a little Hay Maze, and the first thing Eden did was complain that the walls were not high enough. However, after several minutes in the maze and still unable to find his way out he came to realize that the height of the walls did not matter nearly as much as his own height. And since he was still not tall enough to see the maze's master floor plan he still could not easily find his way through in spite of the wall's short stature. Jude, being ever present in his Jude-ness, tried for about two minutes and then promptly jumped a couple bales of hay, ran out the exit and exclaimed with hands held high "I did it!" Hannah meandered back and forth on the first straight path entry way to the maze and seemed happy enough to have found her way back out the entrance with her Daddy Doll in tow.



You can see Jude here in the bottom corner preparing to jump the wall....





After the Maze we saw a sheep dog and his handler herding some sheep. It was really, really cool. This dog was amazing. The man had some sort of tiny whistle and he made all these random sounds with it and the dog responded instantly to whatever the calls meant. Clearly he knew the definition of each tiny chirp from his master, and those sheep clearly knew the dog meant business and did not want to be anywhere near him. He never barked or growled, but he would lower his body or raise it up and look at the sheep different ways and they would move. We were told the dog was not allowed to bite the sheep. He could bite the cows, but not the sheep. Sorry, Cows.
After the little dog show we went to the above mentioned Corn Pools. The pools had only two rules:

Rule # 1: NO THROWING CORN

Rule # 2: DO NOT BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE CORN

Personally, I love Rule #2. I mean you just know some genius at some point decided to bury their head in the corn and it probaly wasn't as much fun as they imagined it would be. And now its one of only two pool rules.

The boys dove right in, while Hannah sat off to the side grasping tiny handfuls of corn shrieking delightedly and exlaiming "COOOOORRRNNN!!!" The boys dove and dug and "swam" and swished and stomped, while Hannah sat and picked up the corn and dropped the corn and picked up the corn and dropped the corn and dropped the corn....for a good 30 to 40 minutes. Eden handed his glasses to me at some point, afraid they would fall off or get broken in the corn-melee.




Daddy got to play in the corn too.





After a long while a gentleman came up and said we could go on the hayride in about ten minutes. So we started extricating ourselves from the corn, shaking it out of our shoes and pants and shirts and hair, and made our way to the hayride. Hannah was not impressed with the hay and immeditely stated she wanted "Out! NO! COOOORRRNNNN!" but then we were on our way and she was ok. Unfortunately, about 5 minutes in to the ride I realized Eden's glasses were no longer on my head. I dug around in my bag hoping I had absentmindedly placed them there after getting out of the corn, but they were no where to be found. When we got to the pumpkin patch Eden and I walked back to the corn pools and searched, but found nothing. Then Aunt Mary went and looked again even walking part way down the path the hayride had gone. Nothing. We picked out a couple pumpkins and had our picture taken, but Hannah was crying because she wanted to carry the pumpkin herself. And mean old mommy wouldn't let her. Because it weighed more than Hannah did and would crush her. But she still thought I was a terrible Mommy and she cried angrily for a good five minutes about it.



We put the pumpkins in the car and went back to the corn pools one last time. Aunt Mary stayed with the boys and I took Hannah walking around making one last-ditch effort to find the glasses. Nothing but defeat. I give my name and number to a lady who works on the farm, but I am certain they will not be found. At least not in one piece. The boys are still jumping around in the corn, Hannah is playing happily, when I look down and see a tiny...black.....thing....sticking out of the corn. I reach down, pinch it between my two fingers and somehow, amazingly, insanely and miraculously, pull Eden's glasses out. In all honesty, I still can't believe it. They were bent a little from being buried, but I straightened them out and gave them to Eden who was just like "Oh. Cool." and went back to playing.

After that minor miracle, we went and got some soda and then saw all the animals. There were small horses, which Hannah called Cows, a little cow, which Hannah called Cows, and some mommy and baby sheep, which Hannah called cows. Jude was most fascinated by the mommy sheep and the baby sheep she was feeding. "Look, Mommy! They're drinking its milk!!" Then we saw some goats, and Hannah told them "Be Quiet!" and "Behave!" Then we saw some ducks. Hannah put her tiny fingers on the ducks' cage and they bit her, which she found to be hilarious so she did it over and over. They didn't hurt her, I think they thought she was trying to feed them, but I tried it and you could definitely feel a pinch from their beaks. She didn't seem to care in the slightest though, she just laughed and quack quack quacked at them and stuck her fingers in anyways. On our way out we saw chickens and more chickens and then lots and lots of chickens. And then some pigeons. I would have taken pictures but my camera battery died.

So it was a lovely day. But my heart just felt that little tug of sadness anyways that Dean wasn't here to share it with us. I know he will be home soon, but its just not soon enough. I could hear him laughing at Hannah, and the things he might say or do with the boys in the corn pool. He would have had a blast.

Next year he will.

Pudah's Prayer

Today turned out to be wonderfully amazingly awesome.

First of all, the car was in the shop. It had been there since yesterday, but around 1130 it was fixed and I could go get it. This is where I am grateful for really awesome friends I can just call up. Yesterday I had to call Allison to come and retreive Hannah and myself from said car place because the car guys realized it was going to take them a BIT longer then they initally expected to fix the problem. Allison came and got us, no problem, and we had a really nice lunch on the way home. Plus I got to see her cutest of all preggo tummy which was fun. Then today I had to get back to the car place, and I called Penny. She managed to help me out in between needing to run errands and picking up her own child from daycare. But shes awesome like that, and I was really happy to see her and talk even if it was only for a ten minute drive.

So we go to get the car, and the poor car guys who had give me a price quote estimating that it would take approximately 1 1/2 hours to fix ended up spending more like 5 or 6 hours on my car. But yesterday they had told me they would honor the original quote anyways. I talked to Dean about it, and we both felt this was unfair. I wasn't sure about paying for a whole 6 hours since I was sure they had stopped to help other customers etc during this time frame, but I also thought they deserved more than being paid for just one hour of work. When I spoke to the manager on the phone after he said the car was ready I told him I just wanted to be fair, and I had no problem with paying for 2 or 3 hours of labor cost. He seemed stunned. He sort of chuckled at me and said "Well....Okay." When I actually picked up the car and paid for it he said they decided to charge me 2 1/2 hours. I asked if he was sure that was alright, if that was enough. He shook his head at me and smiled "I don't think anyone has ever said that before. Most people wanna fight you and just say Thats not the price you quoted me!" I told him again I just wanted to be fair, and he said "Its alright, dear, this will be just fine." I told him we would be back again soon because my van needs new brake pads or something. Its tough to find a car guy you can trust, you know? But I think after this he will remember me and he will be happy to have us for return customers.

Then, in more awesomeness, I came home and Hannah and I took a nap. It was 2 hours of complete perfection.

Then the boys got off the bus asking for friends to come over. So we went to the grocery store really fast, and then called Brad (Eden's friend) and Taylor (Jude's friend) to come over. Taylor has asked me almost every time I have seen him either in the morning at the bus stop or getting off the bus if he could please please PLEASE come to our house, so he was really excited to come over. Taylor and his 3 sisters live with their grandma. I am not privy to the entire story, but what I do know is their mom and dad are not around at all. So, his grandma brought him over and one of his big sisters had come along for the ride. Her name is Amber and she was in Eden's class when we first moved here. Amber is a rough and tough wild child, who likes to talk about playing in the woods and climbing trees back when she lived with her mom. I could see in her face that she wanted to play, so I asked "Can she stay and play too?" Her grandma seemed suprised, she didn't want me overwhelmed with kids, but I said I didn't mind. I asked Amber if she wanted to stay and she answered sort of cooly "Well, I don't really care" but I could see she was actually very happy.

Eden, Brad and Amber got right in to a big game. Something to do with swords and dragons and monsters and magic, I couldn't follow all the rules. It was complicated. Jude and Taylor soon joined in, bringing their walkie talkies, and we all ended up outside on the front lawn for over an hour. They ran and shouted and rolled around in the grass and played their little hearts out. Hannah watched them delighted, and occasionally ventured out in the grass as well to grab a sword or shout at someone. But really she was most happy just to watch. It was a really beautiful afternoon, the air was crisp and cool and it smelled like fresh cut grass. This of course was most likely due to the fact that my wonderful 13 year old neighbor had just cut our grass a couple hours prior. The whole scene made me feel so grateful for my life, so much love for my children, and inspired by a day that brought me a sense of people's true goodness. When it was time for everyone to go home I got hugs from all the visitors and my own children came inside with rosy cheeks, big smiles, and grass in their hair. It doesn't get much better than that.

Tonight as we got ready for bed Jude asked if he could say a prayer. It went like this:

"Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for our day. Thank you for all that we Have. And for all that we Love. Please bless Dean to be safe in Afghanistan. And thank you for our food. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I think that says it all.

A Moment

This morning I was driving in my car after mailing some stuff at the post office. I got to a red light only to realize that at the next light which was not very far away I needed to be in the other lane to turn right.

I looked over and the driver next to me was an elderly African-American woman in a big van. I assessed the situation and decided I could definitely pass her and change lanes before the next light. So my light turned green and I sped up, turned on my blinker, and quickly changed lanes. At the next light, I turn right and so does she.

We come up to the next light and she pulls up in the lane next to me and honks her horn. I'm thinking, Oh crap, this lady is going to yell at me for cutting her off.....but I look over and she has this BIG smile on her face and she is pointing at the back of my car and waving and smiling. It took me half a second, but then I realized she was mouthing something and my face lit up. "OBAMA?!?!" I shouted even though I'm sure she couldn't hear me, and she threw her hands up in the air in a big "WAHOOOO!" sign and mouthed several more times "Obama! Obama!" So I threw my hands up in the air too, and we had a mini-celebration for about 10 seconds at the stoplight. It was an awesome moment. Then the light changed and as she drove off I saw that she also had an Obama bumper sticker, along with a mix of Army, Retired Army, Support Our Troops etc stickers all over the back of her car just like some you see on mine. So it turned out we shared more then just our love for Obama, which gave my heart warm-fuzzies.

Icky

Peoples' kids who smell like cigarette smoke make me sad.

Learning Curve

I have been back at work now for almost 2 months, and I am finally starting to feel like a nurse. Which is really neat for me, and also probably a reeeeaaallly good thing for my patients. I feel more confident in what I am doing, and they feel more confidence in me as a result. The weird thing is, I worked for 5 months previously on a Mother/Baby floor and I never had this feeling. I went to work and cared for new moms and their babies, but it never felt like I was accomplishing much. I KNEW about being a Mom, I KNEW about caring for babies, and showing new parents how to swaddle their newborn just wasn't requiring much brain power on my part. Its not what one would call a high-skills area and I certainly didn't feel like I was using my hard-earned 4 year degree to its full potential.

But things on a med/surg/oncology floor are very, very different. In the last two months I have (finally!) learned how to start IVs. I've changed dressings on wounds that were ranging from fresh out of surgery to rotten-full-of-maggots. I've seen all kinds of drains and wound vacs and colostomys and illeostomys and amputations and abrasions and staples and sutures. I've had patients from their early 20s to over 90 in all sizes and shapes and colors.

But the patients who have already found a special place in my heart are our cancer patients. To see them and their families, battling an illness of their body's betrayal at the most fundamental level, alternating between optimism and despair, anger and love, frustation and determination is both inspiring and humbling. A few weeks ago I was caring for this wonderful woman, whos family was always by her side tending to her every need, who in the midst of her own extreme suffering could still crack a joke and make everyone smile. I went in to the medication room to draw up some pain medicine for her and I just started to cry, I was so overwhelmed by her struggle. The cancer was killing her, and the treatment for it was only making her remaining time miserable. But she had no choice, you see, because she has young children. Who need her. Who she has to fight for even if the doctor says the odds aren't good. I had seen her youngest daughter for the first time in the hallway just moments before, and she stopped me in my tracks. "You look JUST like your mother," I said. "Thanks", she said with a big smile, "My mom is beautiful."

My preceptor came in the room behind me and asked me what was wrong. Like a child, all I could manage to get out with my sobs was a very simple "Its just not FAIR." She gave me a big hug and told me "Now I KNOW you are going to be a great nurse, because you care this much." She let me cry for a minute and then she roughly rubbed my shoulders, told me to pull it back together, and go do whatever I could for my patient. And that would have to be good enough.

A few of the patients I have cared for in my short time on this floor have already died. Not through any fault of ours, the cancer just couldn't be beaten. The learning curve here is steep. But I am learning how to cope. Someone asked me yesterday if I though I would "get used to it". I hope I never do. Because I do believe that the only thing I can give these amazing individuals that will make any real difference is my honest compassion and caring.

Why Barack Obama is a Jedi

Tonight was our weekly "Movie Night". Once a week I take the kids to blockbuster, the boys take turns choosing the movie, we order pizza and spend a couple hours together. Tonight it was Jude's turn, and he selected "The Return of the Jedi". This is one of my favorite movies for a lot of reasons, the main one being that Harrison Ford is my favorite actor and he is still smokin' hot in this movie. But that's besides the point.

So we are near the end of the movie, where the rebels are trying to get in to the little outpost to destroy in and bring down the Death Star's energy field(Disclaimer: I promise I am not a nerd, please hear this out) Luke has gone and turned himself in and is now sitting in front of the Emperor being taunted about the fact that his friends are basically walking in to a trap and cannot succeed against the enormous enemy force that will be there to greet them.

At this point my sister in law, Mary, makes a comment that this sort of reminds her of the current Presidential campaign. The large, controlling, evil empire in the hands of a few individuals desperately clinging to power for power's sake at the expense of everyone around them versus the small, seemingly insignificant rebel alliance, facing long odds but willing to take a chance knowing that they are the last hope for freedom and justice in the galaxy.

"Plus," I say, "The Emperor does kinda look like John McCain."

This makes my nine year old laugh hysterically.

So naturally Luke Skywalker becomes Barack Obama. Young, determined, energetic, charismatic (insert any good adjectives here) and possessed with internal strength, natural ability, and desire to do good. All necessary things when one is going about the business of saving the universe. Or in our case, just the United States of America. In this last big scene Skywalker says repeatedly that he does not want to fight, that he believes there is good in everyone, that he will not turn to the dark side. He is not there to destroy anyone, he only wants to bring them along with him in to a better, brighter, more peaceful future. Obama wants to discuss the real issues, not Palin's pregnant daughter. He wants fairness and equality, and a government governed by people who care about those less fortunate then themselves. He wants to promote science, education, advancement and alternatives instead of "same old same old, and who cares if it kills the planet because we will all be dead by then anyways!" policies. He's fighting this fight because he has to, not because he wants to. Which makes him a Jedi in my book. (Ok, now I am a nerd)

Joe Biden then can be our ever favorite Han Solo. Older, with a bit of a chip on his shoulder and street smarts to boot. He's charming and brave with a tendency to put his foot in his mouth. But we love him anyways. Biden, that is. Well, and Han Solo but everyone loves Han Solo so that goes without saying.

Sarah Palin won the dubious distinction of becoming Darth Vader. No, not because I think she is evil. Which she is. (Warning to my Conservative friends: Stop Reading Now. Wait....do I even HAVE conservative friends?) She is Darth Vader for the one simple fact that Vader is the Emperor's ultimate undoing. The difference of course here is that Vader makes a conscious choice to toss the Emperor over the railing in to the blue-fiery-pit-of-death-thing, while Palin on the other hand I think will rather accidentally and slowly nudge McCain over that precipitous ledge with her incoherent speeches. In fact the upcoming VP debate could actually be the defining ledge-tumbling moment.

As seemingly minor characters in this drama we also nominated the Religious Right to be the Storm Troopers. Unable to think outside the box, they can't stray from the pack, but they can blindly follow orders quite well. They are a well organized, well trained force that strikes fear in to the heart of many and then uses that fear to control them. To counter this of course there is a positive force: The Ewoks. Small, furry, feisty, smart. At first glance they certainly don't appear to be any real threat. But they were the one variable the bad guys hadn't seen coming and they tipped the scales allowing the rebels to proceed to victory. We don't have Ewoks in our fine country, but we do have college students. Lots and lots of them. And in this monumental, historical election, in this defining make-or-break moment, they will stand up and demand change. Or at the very least they might hit someone in the head with a sling-shot rock. You know, whatever they gotta do to get their point across. That point is this: Its time for a new generation to be in control. Because I personally do not believe our country can survive 4 more years of this shit.